Have no dread of the goal-reaper. Unless we stop having this show, that is. The one tiny complaint in this more-than-spectacular is that Erling Haaland isn’t accessible to watch all at once on demand, which may be the only thing that makes watching him this season frustrating.
Every time Haaland leaves the field, it is actually painful to realize that a ticker that says, “Next episode in 10 seconds,” along with a button you can press anxiously when 10 seconds seem excessive, will not be appearing in the corner of your view.
There were some all-knowing onlookers, including this page, who cautioned that this would take time and that it would be an issue of finding a way to fit in after that rusty performance in the Community Shield. And we had it exactly right. It took some time. It required one game. which, theoretically, is still time. Actually, that afternoon has vanished into thin air. Instead, we have something completely new—a kind of perpetual motion football—made of a material with no edges or drag and a never-ending conveyor belt of homogenized high-quality goods. In essence, I simply want more numbers and Haaland math. Everyone enjoys this material. eight passes between goals. every 47 minutes, a goal. I’m concerned, though, that Anfield next weekend would somewhat lower his average. City ought to relax him.
The most striking aspect of Haaland is how it makes you feel, not the stats. The best players have been seen before. The presence of an eerie feeling makes a difference in this situation. What does Haaland appear like outside? like the smallest, most pristine giant in existence. like the dolphins’ supreme warrior deity. Like the sensation of being fed into a gene-splicing machine and then converted into a football player, leaping two-footed into a prize-winning sandcastle.
But the main issue is that feeling of “othering.” 1.8 million people have signed a petition demanding that Haaland be kicked out of the Premier League because he is actually a robot. The implication appears to be that we’re going to cut over a little too quickly and find him sipping a metal bottle or soldering on his own arm. Is he a robot, though? I hear monster, alien, and cyborg as well. I can hear the wild beast. I can hear a hungry Nordic goal-yeti.
